My former self

Where to begin? This campus is a labyrinth of memories. The ghosts of our former selves wander through it and the reminiscence recurs to me at untimed intervals. I’m forgetting and remembering - recalling the forgotten, nameless faces of indistinguishable apparitions I thought only existed in the world of my dreams. And they return here, now, to haunt me, or at least in my imagination.

I thought somehow I could deceive chance by thinking to myself that I wanted to see her, and by doing so, the opposite would occur and I never would. But maybe I was only fooling myself. And I imagined her face on the heads of every blonde, straight-haired, small-framed white girl. I wanted each and every one of them to be her, but when their faces angled towards me, I realized none of them were. And I did this, kept an eye on each I girl I saw who fit the criterion, thinking, eventually it’ll be her, but only when I least expect it.

I saw her yesterday in the bus on my way home, and I wasn’t even looking. Too concerned with the music playing in my ears, but when she looked in my direction, I knew it was her. My heart beat faster, the musty and congested air of the crowded bus was suffocating; I began to feel nauseated. She saw me, too, but like me, she pretended not to. Still, in my peripheral vision, she kept turning and glancing, trying to ascertain that it was me. She still wears the same thick silver ring on her left middle finger. I could hear it tapping against the yellow bar by the back door where she stood, the clank of metal resonating in the deepest fissures of my mind, evoking memories and emotions I tried my best to seal away.

Should I say something? I wondered, thinking I would be the better person if I did, if I had. But my stubbornness would not let me be the first to break this year long silence between us. So at my stop, I looked through her on my way out, leaving everything I’d forgotten, forgetting everything I’d remembered, never looking back. The ghosts of my former self will wander without me.