Spinning

July lazily swept by like the heat of an afternoon being blown away by a cool evening breeze. It has been an unproductive month of assimilating to mundane, day-to-day routines, interspersed with moments of introspection, self-evaluation, and even sometimes, self-loathing. As the month of my birthday, July to me has always been and will always be special, in a strange sort of way, as though the marking of my annual progression in life is much more tangible and pertinent during this time, which I suppose is only natural. Of course, the fact that it's summer and I have no immediate obligations only endows the sentiment with more poignancy.

I'm discovering that I really have a hard time forcing myself to do things. Maybe forcing isn't the correct word, but in any case, I feel that I am sorely lacking in self discipline. And I find myself missing the days when teachers and professors and other authority figures assign work to me, enforcing deadlines, and ultimately helping me bring out some product buried deep inside of me, something that I know I should be able to do myself, but find it somehow extremely difficult to do without being forced. I'm going around in circles. I don't know what to make of this. Is it possible for me to motivate myself to create something without the influence of others?

And looking back at my old work, it's really strange to see them and think, "Wow, I actually wrote this?" or, "I can't believe I took these pictures." And those statements can go either way, for both the shitty and the spectacular work I've done. And the breadth of this spectrum is immense, spanning the length of continents. I imagine that the most important thing to take away from this is as an artist and a person (or just an artistic person/someone with creativity) the goal is to always strive for self-betterment.

And that's as positive as I can spin this.