Call it foreshadowing or a misguided sense of intuition, but something tells me that I will end up living in Los Angeles at one point in my life or another. Nothing I can do to try and fight it, it'll probably just sort of happen without me realizing until I'm already there, enjoying a cold bottle of beer after moving into my cheap apartment, most likely located in one of the more dodgy areas, as I can't imagine myself being able to afford anything in the nicer neighborhoods. The city's gravitational pull is just too much for me to resist, and unwittingly, I will succumb to its grasp.
This was a weekend of long drives in congested highways and drinks in a stuffy Mexican themed bar, whose attempted effect could have been better achieved had I driven the same distance the opposite direction (and probably with lower prices and more delicious food). But in between the driving and the drinking, and the minutes turned to hours wasted away trying to decide what to do or where to go next, there was nothing. And sometimes, nothing is good. It's nice to enjoy the company of one's friends without the hassle of needing to be somewhere, to do something. Some friends are better at this than others, however. And looking back on the trip, I catch small mental glimpses of fleeting moments that my subconscious deemed worthwhile to draw my attention to. And I find myself asking silly questions, like what did I say that was so perfectly mean and funny that made her hit me so hard in that playful way that girls often do? Or how did that riff go for that song I was helping him make a chorus to, but my contribution ended up sounding more like a bridge? And how in poo perfect hell did I end up on the fucking 10 West from 5 south, driving back home at midnight?
I've been nominated to volunteer in the Peace Corps. Meaning, I've turned in my initial application, was interviewed by a recruiter (located in LA), and he was impressed enough to deem me a worthy candidate to serve 27 months abroad. My lack of a regional preference lead to my placement in the Pacific Islands. It was between that and Africa, and in the crucial moment of making that decision, without giving it much thought, without really weighing my options, the only resounding statement that echoed in my mind was, "I don't want to get AIDS." So Pacific Islands it is. It's been a week since that interview and this issue with my regional placement is all I've been thinking about. Did I make the right choice? Would I have been happier in Africa? Who knows. I'm sure I'd be just as anxious had I gone with Africa. Either way, it's going to be fucking spectacular. Only, I'm not sure what I'll be doing in the year before I can actually leave, as the entire process takes about that long.
This whole Peace Corps thing has me thinking though. One of the questions they ask prospective volunteers is whether the person is trying to join the Peace Corps in order to escape something, and they list examples such as, a relationship that turned sour, or debts, or a felony, or something. And I question my own motives for joining based on this. Am I running away from something? Well sure, in a way, I guess, perhaps, maybe. I do want to get away from this orthodox notion of living one's life, of starting a career, moving to my own place, putting my money in a 401K, saving my earnings until I can finally put that deposit for a loan for a house, getting married, starting a family. Sure, those things are appealing. But they're not things I want to do just yet.
And then I start to think about dreams, hopes, goals, aspirations. Do I even have any of these things? I know have a good amount of respect for those that do, even more so for those actually working their way towards achieving them. The one girl in my life I can imagine myself marrying is inches away from achieving hers. Meanwhile others who are close to me are slowly giving up on theirs, or never had any to begin with. Or maybe they're like me - undecided and lacking the necessary ambition and motivation to pursue such things. But looking more closely at my own case, I think my main problem is that my dreams are too vaguely defined. There are things I want to do, many things, actually. But it's not just one thing, and maybe that's why I spend a lot of sleepless nights wondering what the fuck I'm doing with my life, that there's just so much I want to experience, I just don't know where to begin.
So maybe that's why I'm joining the Peace Corps, to help me find direction, in an otherwise unclear road. But at the same time, there is a certain romance to being lost and it's fun to be able to sit back and watch things unfold, even better if they are good things. Although life is only half full of good things, the other half bad. But bad things can turn into good things and vise versa, so maybe the best way to look at it is that these things are just that. Good or bad, doesn't matter, it is what it is, and such is life. Whether it's an unexpected phone call from an old friend bearing bad news, the worst news, in fact, and with it following the realization that there is no better reinforcing adhesive for relationships than tragedy, or the notion that everyone you know will write their condolences on your Facebook wall when you die, and not knowing how you would feel about that, and more importantly, how he would feel about it now, as it is happening to him.
Farewell friend. Hope you are in a better place.
This Thursday I get to go to LA again, the fourth time in two weeks. Each trip brings me closer to wishing I lived there, while simultaneously reinforcing my disdain for it. "An ocean's garbled vomit on the shore," indeed. This time will be to pick up my best friend at LAX, be his transitional guide back to the real world as he returns from a year long stay in Japan. And in between the long, hot drive of the hopefully not too clogged freeways of the 5 and 405, and listening to the playlist I made for him, interspersed with our familiar conversations of bodily functions, of body parts, of culture shock, and of the dreading readjustment, there will be nothing. But we will both be in the company of a friend who can sit back and enjoy it.
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