And now, a reflection.
How did it come to this? As a kid I never would have figured that I'd end up with so many losers and fuck ups as friends. Well maybe those are harsher terms than they deserve - in any case, since I was very little I've been brought up to always surround myself with good people. It's not that the people I've managed to hang onto now aren't "good" per say, but they're definitely not without their flaws. I think those lessons I received as a child were well intentioned, but as it were, with the conditions that make human beings inherently flawed, this was an inevitability. It's not as though the ones who taught me are without flaws themselves. So maybe this shouldn't come to such a surprise to me after all. And anyway, who am I to judge?
Over thirty days have passed since I came back to visit Santa Cruz. My progression as a human being has plateaued and become stagnant, leaving me feeling despondent. It's not right to keep thinking about what I want to do or be when I grow up when by all accounts I should have reached that point by now. And in the bleak hours before dawn as I lie alone in the dark, I catch glimpses, these tiny instances, fragments of moments that occurred in days I spent more productively in academia. And I wonder what could have been had I tried to prolong that time. But I need to realize that that volume of my life has ended, and within the end of this year, I will have finished writing its epilogue.
Meanwhile I sit here and wait in purgatory, with the usual frustrations creeping over me. But I know one day I'll get out of here when the word finally comes.
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