cryptic

At the end of it, I don't know what there is to know, if there's even anything left. Who really knows, anyway, how you're supposed to feel, what you're supposed to do, or think? I sure as hell don't. I don't know a goddamn thing. And anyone who claims they do is either a liar or a wizard. The odds lean more favorably towards the latter.

And I don't know what to expect. Well, obviously there's all that information they give you, and sure, it's useful, even helpful. And I'm grateful. But you can't prepare for everything. And I don't think anyone or anything could have prepared me for this. But maybe I should have been prepared since it's been on it's way for so long- you could see it coming from miles away, like darkening clouds gathering for a storm.

I guess what I'm saying is I feel like this wasn't part of the plan. But seeing as there wasn't one to begin with, there wouldn't (or at least shouldn't) be any reason to say such a thing, would there? After all, isn't it because of this lack of a plan, of any sense of direction whatsoever, that I'm doing this thing? I guess. I guess humans, like anything else, are fickle, only more attuned to their emotions rather than instincts. And when you start throwing these vague words into the mix, these sounds and letters that make up and represent ideas that we hold so dearly and in such high esteem, things like 'integrity', 'maturity', 'responsibility', and 'love', then shit really starts to get complicated. What the hell do these things even mean, anyway? And why the hell are they so important to us?

Again, I don't know. I don't know a goddamn thing. Nothing ever really changes. But if you wait awhile and look close enough, you might see that some things do. With time.